Friendships and Maintaining Them In Your 20s: Why is it so Hard?

Hello, Y'all! And Hello, Fall!

Hey y'all, and welcome back to Not Quite Grown! I hope you're excited for the changing of the seasons as much as I am. It's still pretty hot here in Alabama, which is a surprise to no one who lives here. Up until last week, the average daily high was in the mid to upper 90s with a high percentage of humidity so it still felt like the middle of summer with no reprieve from the hot, sticky air in sight. As someone whose favorite season by far is Fall, I'm checking the weather once or twice a day to see when it will finally, FINALLY cool down. And friends, I'm ecstatic to say that this week we are going to see the highs in the low to mid 80s!!! A whopping 10 degree temperature difference!! Woooooo....in all seriousness, if you live in the South, you know that it makes a huge difference. Especially if the humidity isn't nearly as intense as it normally is in the summertime. I honestly have been ready for Fall since July 5th and now that we're officially entering the Fall season, I am more than ready to do ALLLLLL the Fall activities. Even if I'm still wearing a short sleeves for a little while longer.

Why Is Making Friends Hard In Your 20s?

Today's blog post is going to be about the difficulties of finding friends in your 20s and actually putting in the work to maintain said friendships. So, first things first....why is it actually SO HARD finding friends, especially in those few years after college where you're figuring out how to be a functional, real adult?? The safety net of college is gone - the classes, organizations, and clubs we were a part of made it very easy to make friends. But we graduated and moved on, and now we don't have that large group of people that shared something in common with us. We live in a digital age where it seems to be easier than ever to connect with people all over the world but somehow, finding real, deep connection with another person is more challenging than ever. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but Generation Z is such a special group of people because we remember what it was like before cell phones and the internet, and we are definitely going to be the last generation that remembers the world that way. I think it's kind of sad because that means we're losing a lot of art forms of communication. When was the last time people commonly wrote letters to one another, or even picked up the phone and called one another regularly instead of texting or messaging on social media? The friendships we made in grade school were genuine, face to face connections because we decided someone was our friend based on the simple fact that they were nice and liked the same things we did. I don't know how kids make friends these days, but I do know is they more than likely don't do it like Generation Z did. The other question is how did we go from that to this large, gaping disconnect between people? How are we now communicating and forming connections in a way that still leaves a lot of 20 somethings still lonely?

Here's my answer to both of those questions I posed to y'all in the previous paragraph: I believe we simply forgot how to put down our phones for a while and be present with one another, and we also forgot how to be uncomfortable. To elaborate on this more, I'm going to share a personal experience with y'all from about a month or so ago that was pretty eye-opening for me.

My Recent Experience with Putting Myself Out There

I was doomscrolling on Instagram one day (as I do most days) and found a page on the Follow Suggestions carousel for a social group based in Birmingham. This social group was created by two women that wanted to connect with other young women in the area by hosting events a few times a month. I immediately clicked onto their page and hit follow almost instantly. If you know me, you know I'm verrrrrrry into signs from the Universe, and that the Universe guides you in the right direction at the exact right time. I also told Mason earlier that day that I was wanting to make more friends but I wasn't sure how. This opportunity quite literally presented itself at the exact right moment I needed it to. I then signed up for a walk at the park event the group was hosting the following week. No hesitations, no nervousness. It was an impluse decision, but it felt right.

The day of the event came, and I was feeling pretty anxious about it. Thankfully, I had a therapy appointment that same day and I expressed my concerns to my therapist. I kept thinking of worst-case scenarios and catastrophizing which is something very common for a person with an anxiety disorder. My thoughts kept leading to, "What if I'm judged?" "What if I'm the only person that shows up?" My therapist was quick to lead me through some cognitive reframing (shoutout to therapy). "Where is the evidence that supports that?" "What if you end up having a great time?" I held myself accountable and told her I was nervous, but I was going to do this for me, because I wanted a chance to put myself out there and see if I could be brave. More times than not, initiating social contact with a stranger or a group of strangers requires some discomfort and vulnerability. You have to become comfortable with the idea that you're going to be uncomfortable for a while. Society has taught us to avoid any and all situations that might make you feel this way, that feeling awkward or uncomfortable = always bad. And while I agree to an extent because boundaries are important, I say that sometimes being anxious and uncomfortable can be good for you. It requires you to grow, to learn, to explore new opportunities that you otherwise never would've gone for. It requires you to be brave and fearless. I believe we forgot how to do that in some ways. How else are we going to open ourselves up to one another if we don't feel somewhat uncomfortable?

The event ended up going, of course, better than I thought. The weather ended up being nice and mild for late summer, the women were friendly and inviting, and I initiated more conversations than I previously would've done in the past. In just that short amount of time, I felt more confident and ready to take on the world. It also forced me to put my phone away for an hour or so and talk to people face-to-face. It was refreshing to not be staring at a screen and connect with real, live people. Who knew that our parents were right when they said to us "It's always them damn phones!"??? Something that I've learned recently is that our thoughts and our minds are our own worst enemy. It can psych yourself out of almost anything you are genuinely interested in doing because, at least for me, my anxiety tells me I'm not good enough, that no one is interested in talking to me or getting to know me. I know that voice is my own insecurities trying to drag me me down with it and cause me to spiral. I tell that voice, no more. You don't own me. I am not giving you any more energy or time. The social group is hosting another event later this month, and you can guarantee I will show up. And this time, I'm less likely to be nervous than before because I know I'll have a great time again!

Lessons I've Learned

A recent conversation I had with a friend that quite frankly, was long overdue only just reiterated the previous points I've made in this post so far. They said that friendship requires you to get into someone's personal space. It requires you to be annoying to some degree, to get into each other's lives and invade it a little. It forces you, constantly, to put yourself out there even if you've been friends with a person for a long time. Sometimes it requires you to say, "I'm coming over to your place in a few, be ready in 30." And I couldn't agree more. Make yourself call or text a friend and ask them to go to the grocery store with you, or even come over and watch a movie while you're doing laundry. Friendship doesn't need to be fancy and it doesn't require planning an event to be with said friend. It just means showing up for each other during the good, the bad, and, most of the time, the mundane everyday life.

My Advice To You, From One 20 Something to Another

If you're like me and are wanting to put yourself out there and make more friends in your 20s, local Facebook groups are a great place to start. I feel like there are groups for every interest/hobby out there, and I also think that volunteering in your area is another great opportunity to make connections. I have been volunteering with several Birmingham missions during my time of unemployment, and I find it to be a great chance to get my name and face out there. All it takes is a quick Google search, and I guarantee you'll find what you're looking for. It's okay to be nervous, but you must be able to put yourself out there.

I wholeheartedly believe that you deserve to take up people's time and energy. You deserve to be known and to be seen by others. Being uncomfortable is not always a bad thing, and time away from your phone is not the end of the world. Amazing, wonderful things are happening all around you that you don't even notice because you aren't stopping to look up every once in a while. I don't want to turn 30 and look back on this decade and think, "I wish I had done more in my 20s. I wish I went out more often and saw my friends, or that I made more friends." I don't want my 20s to go to waste, and I don't want yours to go to waste either! It's time to be brave, and I am going to be right there with you.

Thank You For Reading!

Thank y'all so much for reading this post! I think that my small little corner of the internet is tiny but mighty, and I'm so thankful y'all are here with me as we're navigating life in our 20s. I have some VERY exciting news to share with y'all here pretty soon, but it will have to wait a bit as we're still figuring out the details. And with that tidbit of info that'll hopefully leave y'all hanging (mischievous laugh as I'm writing this), I'm signing off! Mason is watching Wicked the movie for the first time tonight, and I cannot wait to see his reaction to this total masterpiece! Thank y'all again, and see you here next week!

All my love,

Grace <3

I kept thinking of this quote the whole time I was writing this post. It was true 40 years ago when this movie came out, and it's even more true today.